Q: It has been over a year that me and my ex boyfriend broke up. We were together for 3 years. We met at college in Delaware. He lives in Delaware and I live in New Jersey. The last year we were together, I graduated and moved back home. The beginning of our relationship, he used to talk about us marrying, then something happened and the last year and a half his views changed. He is against marriage and doesn’t see himself getting married. He stopped saying “I love you” even when I said it first. He said he felt bad if he said it. We still talk and hang out and recently we had a talk and he said he does love me. He said the divorce rate is high so why marry. A lot of his friends have marriage problems. I tell him to look at the marriages that are good like his parents. Why did his view change? The reason why we broke up is because he knows I want to marry and he doesn’t think it would be fair to stay with him. He said he doesn’t know where his life, career is going. He is unhappy at his job.  He is a psych nurse. He wants to be a cop but is having trouble. The last year and a half we were together, he stopped being affectionate.  He used to be very affectionate. He said he is confused and doesn’t want to let me down. He told one of his friends that he could see us married and he knows if he moved I would go.  This was in January when I told him I couldn’t hang out anymore because it was hard. That didn’t last. I missed him. I try breaking ties but I love him and don’t want to lose him. I don’t want him to be with anyone else. I don’t see myself with anyone else. How can I get him back? Thank You, Dana.

A: Dana.  The main problem is that you don’t just want him back….you want him to fit into your vision of your future married life.  To his credit, your man has been straight with you.  He is unhappy with his career and the direction of his life.  He’s confused and unwilling to take on additional responsibilities until he can feel better about himself.  He’s been honest with you about how he feels.  His lack of affection is likely tied in with not wanting to imply his acceptance of responsibility for your agenda.  Your agenda is an OK one, but it just doesn’t fit this man’s needs at this time. Dana, you will need to weigh several factors about whether or not to continue the relationship: 1) Is it too painful to continue while reassuring him that he has no permanent obligations to you?  2) Do you want to spend much of your life span (and missed opportunities) with the hope that he might just change his mind and marry you some day?  3) Are you willing to endure the pain of eventual separation if you deepen your involvement with even more years together and he chooses to not marry you?  These are tough existential questions that an outsider can’t answer.  Life is full of these tough choices where right and wrong don’t apply.  Whatever you decide, make sure that you respect that he has a right to be confused and to prioritize getting his own life in order, even over your relationship. – Bryce Kaye