Luna: I am on page 60 of your book, The Marriage First Aid Kit. You provide great examples that illustrate how our previous dysfunctional relationships with both ourselves and others greatly impact how we interact with our partners. I now understand that a strong relationship begins with integrity. I must first value myself and my preferences to be able to provide respect and affection for my partner. I also admire that you are not afraid to state that familial relationships can be damaging; many people think this is a taboo belief, but I’m not one of them!

Bryce: Thank you Luna.  You’ve made my day.

Bryce Kaye

Q: I have lived 8years with a married man who left his family but went back and forth, all the time. I’ve met contenders while he was away for months on end but he had begged me to stay for him saying he will start a family with me. He never tells me his plans with his family but takes off giving a day’s notice.I never got the chance to spend time away on holiday with his two 17y boy/12y girl who has behavior disorder.He lies all the time about things. Never speaks about a child anymore. Help me pls.

A: Vatasala, my advice would be to run as fast and as far as you can in the opposite direction.

Bryce Kaye

Q: I have been married now for 11 years. My husband then said if he ever dies he wanted to in my arms while having intercourse. Know it sounds really bizarre but now our sex life has gone down the tubes. You probably have heard it all. He has been acting different and I cannot even stimulate him orally! He was so sexual but now if may be once every 2 weeks and that is like a wing and a prayer just to get him there. At time he goes soft while inside me. That really hurts! Just need answers?

A:  Jan, the answers are most likely in his head and we can’t read it from here.  There are a number of possibilities.  The worst and most remote is that he is having an affair.  He could have diabetes.  He could be having job stress or depression.  However, the most frequent cause of this kind of problem is that the partner has used passive defenses in the relationship by sucking in resentments and not speaking up enough.  As that happens, the person gradually becomes more and more avoidant in the relationship.  He or she becomes focused on what he or she “should” do to not get in trouble and upset the other partner.  That defensive orientation kills attraction over time.

Jan, there’s no way of knowing from a distance which cause is eroding his sexual attraction to you.  There’s a good chance that HE doesn’t know what’s causing it.  I suggest you ask him first whether he‘s been hiding any resentments instead of speaking up.  He may have an assertiveness problem. You can also ask if he would be willing to go to a marriage and family counselor with you – not to fix a sexual problem but rather to find out what feelings are turning him off.  He probably won’t approach it as a problem with his sex.  Men don’t like to even consider the possibility of weakness.  However, it’s best if you define it as trying to free him from whatever turnoff his taking down his enjoyment.  That might be less threatening to him.  Good luck. – Bryce Kaye

Q: When u know your spouse is lying about talking to an ex-wife on the phone and he tries to erase all contact should you confront him each time since it always creates an argument– even when he says he does not tell me cause it always upsets me. It feels deceitful and like he is hiding something. Yes they have adult children. I have forced myself to remain calm in discussions to encourage an open future response. When confronted about not returning my call stated he did not have his phone — but phone record showed call to her during lunch break.

A:  Kathy, the biggest problem you have is that your husband is not being transparent about his communication with his ex-wife.  As a rule of thumb, it’s best to be totally open about ANY personal communication with the opposite sex as long as it’s not business related.  It becomes even more important if there’s been a past sexual bond between the two.  It’s a bad idea to give your husband a hard time if he’s being totally open with you.  But if he isn’t open and he’s lying and deceitful then that’s the biggest problem  If he can’t stop that and he can’t be totally transparent, then I’d suggest you try to get him to agree to some marriage counseling to fix the foundation of your relationship.  Truth and responsibility are your foundation.  Good luck. – Bryce Kaye

Q: My wife and I have been married for nearly 18 years. Overall, it has been a good and loving
marriage. We’ve gotten along well and done for each other in the past. She was
a dedicated church goer who never drank or smoked and was always really into
the religious and spiritual training of our children. I must admit that I was
only passively involved in the church activities, but my participation had been
increasing.

In the middle of last year, after taking on a much larger
mortgage (although, I was earning great money – more than enough for the
burden, I lost my job. To make things worse, I had done very well at my job,
but the company chose to move to an area that was undesirable to us both, so we
declined to go. To make matters even worse, this job was working with her
father. The news to move was delivered to me on Friday afternoon via fax from
his office in the other location. In the fax he had some less-than kind words
for his own daughter’s support of my career, which I disagreed with and she
took very hard.

One evening later that month, she called her father and
confronted him with the remarks he had made and the call erupted into a
shouting match. They both said some pretty strong things to each other and have
not spoken since. She says she does not care for him anymore.

As I strived to locate employment that would keep us in the
home we were living in,   I took on some pretty tough menial jobs
that managed to at least subsidize our expenses. With the financial tensions
arose marital tensions and we began to argue more frequently. We both said some
very mean things to each other in the process. She ceased attending church and
began adopting an attitude of ambivalence toward me. (I should note here that
she also lost a lot of weight [~60 pounds] through exercise and diet and looked
better at this point than she ever had in our relationship.)

She became more distant and cold throughout the last months
of 1999. In late January 2000, I discovered she had been having an affair with
someone she met while on a planned trip with her college girlfriends. She
admitted to it and said that it occurred because things got so bad that she
didn’t feel loved by anyone anymore. She said her partner showered her with
attention and praise.

I was absolutely devastated by this, because it was so out
of character for her. Her apologies for this action has been lukewarm at best.
I am terribly hurt. Her feelings of ambivalence continue to this day. She is
pleasant, but shows no affection for me and sexual activity is almost
non-existent. Everyone who knows her says she is 180 degrees from what she once
was, and her best friend says if she met her on the street today she wouldn’t
care to befriend her.

I do still love her very much, and could forgive her brief
indiscretion, if her behavior demonstrated that she deserved it.

Lately, she has been staying out late and not bothering to
call as to her whereabouts and when she will be home. She has admitted going to
restaurant-bars as well. She says she wants some space to discover herself and
that she can no longer rely on anyone but herself for her security and
happiness.

We have three terrific kids that I do not want growing up in
a broken home. I do not know what buttons to push to bring out the person she
used to be. Do you think that person still exists?

A: Fred.
That person may exist but it may not be feasible to expect her to go directly
back there.  It may be that there’s been a major shift in her life
schema.  Because of the rift with her father, she may be questioning ALL
roles of responsibility including her marriage.  It may take tremendous
amounts of energy for her to psychologically separate from her father.
Unfortunately, she may get her marriage caught up in the same dynamic. She may
feel that being accountable to you may be too similar to being accountable to
her father.   This is not an infrequent phenomenon.  Her
comments about her need to discover herself  tends to support this interpretation.

It can be very disruptive to carry out adolescent work while
still married.  I’d suggest that you ask her directly if she thinks it’s
possible that she’s getting you and her father mixed up, at least in the sense
that she’s tired of feeling overly responsible and accountable.  I’ve seen
spouses really turn around when they recognize that repulsion towards a parent
has overlapped their partner.  If you can get her attention, you may ask
her what you can do to help her perceive you in a different light than her Dad.
Good luck. – Bryce Kaye

Q: I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR A YEAR BUT I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 10 YEARS.  FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS THROW  UP MY PAST FROM BEFORE WE WERE  REALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE FORGIVEN HIM FOR THE THINGS HE HAS DONE SINCE WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER.  WHY CANT HE? THE OTHER PROBLEM IS ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING HE DOES. I LOVE HIM BUT I’M TIRED OF IT. THEN HE WONDERS WHY I’M SO MOODY ALL THE TIME. HE’S A LOT OLDER THAN ME. I STAY HOME WITH THE KIDS WHILE HE GETS OUT AND AWAY FOR AWHILE BUT IF I WANT TO GET OUT FOR A WHILE HE MAKES ME FEEL BAD ABOUT IT SO I SAY HOME. THE ONLY TIME I GET TO MYSELF IS WHEN I’M AT WORK. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

A: Tonya.  Your questions are too general for any better answer than this: Assert yourself the best you know how and it would be especially good for you to get into a woman’s support group.  – Bryce Kaye

Q: I’ve been married for 18 years and have three bright, beautiful children. I have been suffering and have been treated for depression for the last 10. Since that time my sex drive has dropped to zero. I try to please my husband as much as I can, but sometimes I’m just too tired or tired of the effort to do so. Two days ago he said that if I wasn’t available for longer periods and for new types of sex (aka anal sex, oral sex), that he would have to look elsewhere. He also stated that he didn’t feel close any more, that he hadn’t felt that way in a while. To be honest, he is so controlling with everything, that I’ve found it difficult to be close with him also. I’ve begun to feel that any type of closeness (i.e., hugging, kissing, etc.) has to lead to sex, and sex has just become another “job”. I’ve tried to change my medication for depression six or seven times, trying new meds or different combinations (with the Drs’ help, of course), but to no avail. I’ve had full physicals and workups done to make sure it wasn’t a physical condition. I have noticed that this all started about the time my tubes were tied, but I’ve always been somewhat of a prude, so I was never an animal to begin with. My doctors say that everything is within normal limits, and that there shouldn’t be any reason not to have a drive. I guess I’m just frigid. What can I do to keep my marriage. Although I don’t feel close to my husband, and feel more like an employee, I still love him and would do anything to make this better. I’m working with him on his control issues, and we’re working together on our disagreements about the raising of our children. Our finances are horrible, but we’re working together to fix that as well. We should be happier now, but it’s going downhill faster. (Our children are 9, 11, 15, they’re going to be gone soon, I don’t want to be alone.)

A: Christianna.  Not many women could feel sexual under the conditions you describe in your relationship.  You assume that you are frigid and somewhat of a “prude”.  However, it sounds like you used to have a sex drive in the early years.  What you describe sounds like a slow evolution of several factors over a long time: 1) Loss of emotional closeness in the relationship, 2) Your trying to keep the marriage going by taking on sex as another chore or responsibility, and 3) Your husband’s “controlling” orientation.  It’s a bit unclear what you mean by the latter but I will assume that it means he’s bossy, evaluative, and bottom-line oriented with a disregard for your feelings.  With these three factors going on, it would be difficult for anyone to feel sexual.

Christianna.  There’s no quick resolution for your situation.  It has evolved over the years and has profoundly affected your own psychological boundaries.  It’s probably not just a function of your depression.  I strongly suggest that you both get some professional help even though I suspect your husband would be resistant.   You will probably need to work on several fronts.  First, you would need help to re-install some emotional intimacy through improved communication.  This might involve some new training for your husband.  Second, you would probably need to learn new skills for maintaining better boundaries against your husband’s “controlling” demands.  I would suspect that there is just as much difficulty with your being under-assertive as there is with your husband being “controlling”.  For example, how comfortable are you with expressing anger in conflict?  You sound like you would be very uncomfortable.   Third, you would need to take back your sexual boundaries so that you NEVER engage in intercourse as a chore.  You may need to re-explore sex and sexual fantasy for yourself (including masturbation and other sensual self-pleasuring) while redefining what you will and and what you won’t do to take care of your husband.  I know that these suggestions are not immediate or practical-sounding.  That’s why I’ve suggested that you get a professional involved in your situation.  Your syndrome IS that complex.  Simple quick solutions will not adequately address the roles and psychological boundaries that you and your husband have evolved over many years. – Bryce Kaye

Q: It has been over a year that me and my ex boyfriend broke up. We were together for 3 years. We met at college in Delaware. He lives in Delaware and I live in New Jersey. The last year we were together, I graduated and moved back home. The beginning of our relationship, he used to talk about us marrying, then something happened and the last year and a half his views changed. He is against marriage and doesn’t see himself getting married. He stopped saying “I love you” even when I said it first. He said he felt bad if he said it. We still talk and hang out and recently we had a talk and he said he does love me. He said the divorce rate is high so why marry. A lot of his friends have marriage problems. I tell him to look at the marriages that are good like his parents. Why did his view change? The reason why we broke up is because he knows I want to marry and he doesn’t think it would be fair to stay with him. He said he doesn’t know where his life, career is going. He is unhappy at his job.  He is a psych nurse. He wants to be a cop but is having trouble. The last year and a half we were together, he stopped being affectionate.  He used to be very affectionate. He said he is confused and doesn’t want to let me down. He told one of his friends that he could see us married and he knows if he moved I would go.  This was in January when I told him I couldn’t hang out anymore because it was hard. That didn’t last. I missed him. I try breaking ties but I love him and don’t want to lose him. I don’t want him to be with anyone else. I don’t see myself with anyone else. How can I get him back? Thank You, Dana.

A: Dana.  The main problem is that you don’t just want him back….you want him to fit into your vision of your future married life.  To his credit, your man has been straight with you.  He is unhappy with his career and the direction of his life.  He’s confused and unwilling to take on additional responsibilities until he can feel better about himself.  He’s been honest with you about how he feels.  His lack of affection is likely tied in with not wanting to imply his acceptance of responsibility for your agenda.  Your agenda is an OK one, but it just doesn’t fit this man’s needs at this time. Dana, you will need to weigh several factors about whether or not to continue the relationship: 1) Is it too painful to continue while reassuring him that he has no permanent obligations to you?  2) Do you want to spend much of your life span (and missed opportunities) with the hope that he might just change his mind and marry you some day?  3) Are you willing to endure the pain of eventual separation if you deepen your involvement with even more years together and he chooses to not marry you?  These are tough existential questions that an outsider can’t answer.  Life is full of these tough choices where right and wrong don’t apply.  Whatever you decide, make sure that you respect that he has a right to be confused and to prioritize getting his own life in order, even over your relationship. – Bryce Kaye

Q: My wife and I have been married for 2 years.  We were 18/19 when we married, we have 4 children, 2 still at home. About two years ago we got into the swinging lifestyle.  At that time we talked and said we would only go as a couple. A few days after we did it the first time, I came home early and found her “making out ” with the man next door in his driveway. This man is a notorious flirt and she said she just wanted to see how far he would go. I felt a trust had been broken. We met some other couples etc., but infrequently, mostly on my part, as I felt betrayed. A couple months ago, she met with a man, by herself, that I knew about, for sex. This started a big problem. I didn’t like it and she did. This has led to her lying to me, and plans to cheat on me when I was going out of town. This would have happened if I hadn’t  had a feeling about it and confronted her about it. She said she may of mentioned it to him and I found out from him that all he was waiting for was the confirmation and when and where. We had argued about this and she said she loves me but likes the feeling of sexual power she gets from doing this. A couple of weeks before this happened she met him and told me she did it to break it off. I came home and she told me they had met and talked and that she felt much better telling him it had to stop. Today I found out she had done oral sex on him that day! Also she had been talking to him on the computer and today I found out she would talk to him on the phone . What else has happened that I don’t know about? We talked over the weekend and she said she loves me and is going to break it off. The man sent her an e-mail and told her he was having marriage and business problems and that he is too confused right now to continue seeing her. She showed me this but not the reply she sent him. I am not proud of what I did.  I broke into her private site to see if I could read it, and I did. That is where I found out about the phone calls and she told him she loved him ” a little” what does that mean, a little? I feel that love is based on trust and my trust is broken. I have went through some very deep depression since all this has started. I don’t know what to do or when to believe her. The last couple of days have been better for us and last night when she came in from work she was giddy and told me she realized she loved me and I love her. Then later she tells someone else she loves them. I’m lost, confused, desperate. Please help me if you can.

A: Earl.  What you are finding out is what many former proponents of “open marriages” have found over the years.  Playing around with sexual boundaries is dangerous to your marriage.  You can’t guarantee that you may stimulate compulsive behavior in either yourself or your partner.  For the sake of your marriage, I would suggest that you try to negotiate strict sexual exclusivity with your wife and give up the “swinging” lifestyle.  If she is unwilling to do this, you may not be able to re-work your relationship. You may have to put your marriage on the line.   She is already showing signs of compulsive sexual behavior when she lies and engages in deceit.  I see no other way. – Bryce Kaye

Q: MY QUESTION IS I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS NOW AND MY HUSBAND ACTS LIKE HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE BOTHERED ANYMORE. WE USE TO MAKE LOVE AT LEAST 3 OR 4 TIMES A WEEK. NOW IT’S LIKE ONCE OR TWICE A MONTH. THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST IS THAT MARCH OF THIS YEAR I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE RED ROOF INN MOTEL ASKING ABOUT YOUR STAY. SO I CALLED THEM AND TRUE ENOUGH, THE RECEPTIONIST GAVE ME HIS BIRTHDAY, LICENSE, AND ADDRESS.  SINCE THEN, HE’S BEEN ACTING FUNNY. OF COURSE I ASK HIM ABOUT IT AND HE DENIED EVERYTHING. WHAT SHOULD I DO?   WE HAVE AN 11YEAR OLD SON.  PLEASE HELP.

A: Jean. Of course you are painting a picture of a possible affair.  Whether or not this is true, focusing on the motel letter will not help you. He’ll deny it and you’ll only argue about it without resolution.   If you’re going to stay in the marriage, you need to invite your husband to begin talking with you on a more intimate level.  If you don’t know how to do this, then get some professional help or go to a PAIRS program near you. If you can reconnect emotionally, then you can later deal with the resentments, distrust, and underlying feelings that caused the sexual diversion. It is very likely that your marriage has long had some issues that your husband has failed to discuss with you.  He may not even recognize some of his own feelings.  Don’t put the issue of sex first.  It’s the dog that wags the tail, not the other way around. – Bryce Kaye