Q:  I am ready to have a baby and my husband is not. We are both twenty-eight years old and he already has an eight year old son. I am so ready for a child that I don’t know if our relationship will last if he can’t open up to my needs. What should I do?

A:  Clar.  There’s no magical answer for this one.  You may need to remind him of any agreement that the two of you had when you got married.  Was there an implicit agreement that your marriage would involve having children together?  If so, you may need to hold him to it.  If not now, then when?  If the two of you had an agreement, then an indefinite “I don’t know” shouldn’t be accepted.  Life is short and you won’t be fertile forever.  However, if there was no common vision when you married, you do not have a moral claim with which to confront him. Instead, you can only be honest about your agony and you should (privately) consider your option of a separation.  Don’t threaten him with separation but impress upon him that you do fear for the marriage if you are left without a child of your own.  The decision about whether to risk for another marriage is an existential one.  There’s no right or wrong answer although most people in your circumstance seem to choose to stay in their current marriage. Good luck.

 - Bryce Kaye

For information about Helen and Bryce’s Love Odyssey marriage retreats go to www.loveodyssey.net where the strategy behind the couples retreats is described in detail.

Q:  I’m considering divorce. Not because I want to, just because marital repair may be too far of a reach. In a nutshell: 1) My husband is an alcoholic x 18 years, 2) I caught him having an affair over a year ago (I was pregnant at the time). He rekindled the flame he had before we met. Says he pursued her & doesn’t know why. Says he fell in love with her. And distressed for months after ending it because he missed her.  3) Different sexual drives–he will let 1-2 weeks go by before attempting to have sex with me, 3) His multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair, that’s over (so he says), have left me with distrust and disrespect towards him. 4) I don’t feel he desires me. I am 100 pounds overweight. He’s only dated slender women before. However, I was about the same weight when he married me. Sex between us was fine, until after the affair. Now it’s different. I’ve forgiven, but I can’t forget. He says the affair is over, but he doesn’t make sexual advances toward me like a ‘normal man would’. What do you think is going on? Is he possibly still holding a torch for his old flame & continuing the affair? Does he not have the sexual desire for me? Is he caught up in his alcoholism? Is there any hope in saving this marriage? Why did he rekindle that relationship only 2 months after we got married, things (so, I thought, were going great? When they were in a relationship, she always said no to sex with him, but after we got married, she let him have her whenever he wanted, why is that?? Help me please…I’m hurting inside.

A:  Sunni.  I’m sorry but your prospects are not good.  Your distrust in him sounds well-founded since you say that there were multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair.  A person’s integrity does not change quickly and, with active alcoholism, usually don’t change at all.  The loss of sexual desire after marriage is a common phenomenon and is unlikely to be a direct result your husband’s alcoholism.  It is more likely related to your evolving roles within the marriage.  These changes may have resulted in his experiencing some loss of autonomy with less psychological separateness from you.  We can’t know for sure but that is the leading cause for such displacement of  sexual interest. – Bryce Kaye

For information about Helen and Bryce’s Love Odyssey marriage retreats go to www.loveodyssey.net where the strategy behind the couples retreats is described in detail.

Q:  My husband and I have been married for almost a year now and our marriage seems to be going around in circles. We are constantly fighting because of his family. I talk to him all the time and try to fix things but somehow or another we always end up back to square one (no where).   I tell him that he makes me feel as if his family comes before I do. And every time we fight, regardless of who started it, I always end up being the one begging and pleading. I feel so frustrated. Every word I say seems to go in one ear and out the other. I just don’t know what else to do. I tried talking to his family rationally as well but they were “offended” since they claim to have every right to interfere in their brother’s life. I don’t want out (of this marriage).   I just want a solution. HELP please.   I am willing to try anything.

A:  Maggie.  You probably need to back up and go at this more systematically.  You need to recognize that your husband has a right to have a relationship with his family that is not subject to your approval.  At the same time, your husband must recognize that there are topics and decisions that need to remain private between you and he.  You should not get into a black vs. white tug of war for your husband’s loyalty.  Don’t set it up as such.  Instead, see if he will sit down with you at length and map out decision areas and other topics that will remain shared only between he and you.  Also, try to get him to map out activities and communications with his (other) family that you are to respect.  In other words, negotiate it out.  I’m assuming that he can be consistent if it’s clearly mapped out.  However, if you and he already have commitments that he’s actually breaking because he’s afraid of his family’s disapproval,  then you will need to confront him very very strongly.  In the latter case, a mediator (such as a counselor) might be necessary. Good luck. – Bryce Kaye

For information about Helen and Bryce’s Love Odyssey marriage retreats go to www.loveodyssey.net where the strategy behind the couples retreats is described in detail.