Love Odyssey

I’m feeling  “boat-sick” this week.  Not sick of my boat–oh no, not by any means!  No- I’m home-sick for my boat!  You need to understand that we usually travel to our boat about every 4 or 5 days, usually on a Thursday or Friday evening and spend the entire weekend, leaving late on a Sunday.  We do this year-round irrespective of weather.  But once in a while life conspires such that we have to stay home.  That’s what happened last weekend.  It was our son’s 38th birthday and I have always made a family party, complete with barbequed ribs and homemade chocolate cake. 

Now I do love my boat, but my love for my son is even stronger.  After all, it doesn’t seem that long ago that he was a toddler, then a teenager, and now a grown man with a son of his own.  And this grandma thoroughly enjoys her grandson.  So it was a marvelous weekend with lots of quality family connection.  But come Monday morning I felt a wee bit of envy for those folks who got to spend the weekend on their boat, and each successive day this week, that longing just got greater and greater–and now I have a full-blown case of boat-sickness.  The only cure is to leave tomorrow evening as soon as Bryce finishes seeing his patients and travel as fast as the highway patrol will allow (more or less) until we finally get to board our boat and once again be “home”.         

   Helen (01/14/2009)

We needed to set up a checking account-that was a fact. We wouldn’t be able to purchase all the items on our to-do list for Love Odyssey charters until we had a dedicated account and also a credit card. So yesterday Bryce and I marched off to the bank with the assumption that this would take only a few minutes. After all, he had two business accounts at this bank and I had one; we both had business credit cards and a very good credit history.

Well, the lady at the bank made us feel like we were asking for the keys to the state treasury. How much money do we each make annually? How much do we anticipate making the first year of business? Why are we starting this business? on-and-on-and-on….

Then let’s get to the type of business account. The simpliest small business checking account will be free if we use our debit card each month but cost us $13/month if we dare to forget to use it. Now I know everyone in the civilized world uses a debit card, but I’m an old-fashioned girl and I like the physical act of writing out a check (gives me time to decide whether I really need to spend the money). It seems to me that I am being punished if I want to write only checks–at the tune of $13 a month or $156 a year (hey, that’s not chicken feed!).

Now I also want a credit card for Love Odyssey charters. Well, the lady yesterday could not even delve into that. No, that was saved for another more experienced bank torturer who called me today to waste another hour of my time. We went over the same questions that yesterday’s lady asked and I had to give the same information. Interesting! After I went over all this he said he had all my answers on his computer from yesterday. Maybe the bank really trains police and detectives–make sure your answers don’t change. Anyway, after an eternity of questioning and a good ten minutes on hold while he talked to his supervisor, I was told that he would decrease the credit card limit on my other business and also on my personal credit card so he could grant me another new card for Love Odyssey. Oh, how generous! What a nice way of thanking me for doing business with his bank for twenty years and have a sterling credit history!            Helen  (01/05/10)

I’m feeling really old and frustrated today. Bryce and I have been spending time today trying to figure out Twitter. Once we got an account, we tried to figure out how to send tweets on our phones. Well, I guess our phones are just too old like us to send tweets–can’t access the net. Oh dear, do we just buy new phones (only a few months old) or do we stay tied to our computers? I guess we’ll need to make that decision soon.

I feel really challenged by technology. Bryce is so much better than me about learning how to do stuff–then he usually shows me (or asks me to read the tutorial and learn myself). I felt pretty good for a few weeks when I taught myself how to text message. My 22-year old daughter couldn’t believe that I was actually able to send texts! Now she sends me texts several times a week–messages that I might not have received had I not learned how to speak her language, like “I love you, mom”. Priceless! So maybe it is worth all the grief of learning how to keep up with technology. Helen 01/02/2010

It’s a little scary to be out in the open river with blips on the radar but no way to really identify what those blips are. It is even scarier to know that there are marker bouys somewhere in the next 1/4 of a mile and you cannot see them until you are practically on top of them. Deviate even a quarter of a mile and you could be hitting a dock or shoals; even scarier, you could be trying to go under a bridge span that is not high enough to accomodate your 63-foot mast (most bridges have a clearance of 65 feet!). Yes, there were times the adreneline really flowed.

But somehow with the help of modern technology, experience, and sheer guts we made New Bern in four hours–not bad, considering it usually takes us three hours in perfect weather. So here we are, sitting in the pilothouse, warmed by the central heat and perfumed by the meatloaf baking in the oven. We are indeed lucky to be able to lead this lifestyle.

As I write this, I hear some loud “booms” and look out the companionway (back door) to the sight of fireworks over the harbor. It really doesn’t get much better than this. Yes, life is good! Have a Happy New Year!         Helen (12/31/2009)

Today, I have something reverberating in my skull from a couple I saw. It was a couple who almost never have conflict, who are always nice to each other, treat each other with respect and never rock the boat by saying anything that might reveal too much or get too deep. Why? What’s really going on? Many people would say that they just need to learn how to open up and be willing to be vulnerable with each other. A lot of shrinks will make good money by just meeting their expectations: by training them in “good communication techniques” or good “repair techniques.” I despair that this is what’s most often offered by us so-called professionals.

This is what I suggested to them and I’ll try to simplify for brevity.

1) They’re not communicating intimately because they’re too vulnerable. The virtue is to get less vulnerable so that they can risk exposing more.

2) When they self-edit and refrain from sharing an intimate awareness, their unconscious is actually anticipating what their partner’s emotional reaction might be in the worst case scenario. They’re usually anticipating that their partner will show angry disapproval or hurt feelings. That’s not the end of it though.

3) They’re also anticipating that once they see their partner’s reaction, that they won’t be able to prevent their own shame/guilt emotional shutdown response that will feel horrific. They don’t really feel confident in being able to boundary off from their partner’s mind.

4) Because they anticipate far in advance that they might wind up awash in shame or guilt, and they don’t feel confident that they can stop their reaction, they wind up avoiding even the consideration of sharing their thoughts on a deeper level.

What’s important is to realize that this is all taken care of by the unconscious. The choice to share intimate thoughts and feelings just never seems to come up to the surface. Isn’t that interesting? I also find it interesting that shrink types just never want to really think this through. That’s too bad because if they did there would be a lot more effective therapy helping people out with these kinds of problems. Instead we just see this garbage about how people need to be taught how to communicate better!

So anyway I tried a new homework exercise assignment with this couple. It’s too detailed to give here but it’s similar to a longer therapy I developed that works quite well in the ofiice. If it works, it will be very useful for many couples. If it doesn’t, I’ll go back to the drawing boards.

Here’s a real paradox. The world tells us how we should always try to empathize and be sensitive to each other’s minds. But I think that automatically and compulsively being empathic all the time is a prescription for communication breakdown. If you don’t have a way of defending yourself from painful feelings then you’ll just distance in any relationship by avoiding deeper communication. At least that’s what your unconscious will do for you. Try this paradox: Being confident in your ability to mentally build your separate frame of meaning can actually give you the confidence to risk closeness. So dynamic separateness is necessary for emotional togetherness! Weird, huh?

So this is what goes through my mind. I feel quite alone because I can’t get most clinical colleagues to think this through. However, I’ve been very gratified by some of these ideas being appreciated by some research types in the scientific community (ie. Reversal Theory folks). It feels like I’m exploring a strange land where there are no other human footprints. It’s exciting and that’s why I lose sleep. It’s also why my wife Helen finds me zoning out sometimes. “Earth to Bryce…Earth to Bryce….” she calls. At least she’s not bored when I do answer.           Bryce (12/30/2009)

I think there are few sports that are as dependent on good weather as sailing. Mind you, Bryce and I are fair weather sailors; we don’t relish braving all the elements in an open cockpit. No, we don’t like freezing in the wet, blustery days of winter or roasting like a barbequed hog during the sweltering days of July and August. Cold, wet spray in the face never makes me feel like a true sailor. I admit it; I’m a girl who likes warm, dry days with blue skies over head and a gentle breeze to blow us slowly down the river. Aah! That’s my idea of sailing!

However, the weather gods rarely give us such ideal sailing conditions. Usually we have to compromise. Is it really too wet or cold or sweltering to take the boat out of her slip? Now you need to know, our boat is sitting in a very protected slip in a very protected marina, what we sailors call a “hurricane hole”. She is connected to shore power and is running either heat or air conditioning most of the year. Really, she is our “condo in the water”. So whenever we are faced with the decision to disconnect from shore power and leave the slip, we are asking ourselves whether we want to leave this very nice environment. I should also add that wind is another very important factor beside temperature. Too little wind and a sailboat just wallows in the water; too much wind and conditions can become uncomfortable or downright dangerous. Only fools take their boats out in gales; lesser fools take their boats out in “small craft warnings”.

For the past month Bryce and I have wanted to take the boat out of the slip; afterall, sailing is supposed to be fun! Well, the past two weekends it has blown a gale. This coming Thursday (New Years Eve day) we were hoping to sail to Ocroacoke, but again it looks like the weather gods are going to give us a “small craft warning” and some heavy rain to boot. That would make the five and a half hour trip pretty uncomfortable and possibly dangerous.

Now we are looking at whether we can compromise and take the boat up the river to New Bern on Friday afternoon when the wind should be lighter, the rain will have stopped, and we have only a three hour journey. Mind you, we do have a very protected steering station in our pilothouse; there is heat from the generator even though we are un-plugged from shore p0wer during the journey, and the windshield has wipers to clear off the rain. We also have radar and a GPS if conditions get difficult to see (read “heavy rain”). So just maybe we can beat the weather gods this weekend!           Helen (12/29/2009)

Sometimes differences make for conflict. For instance, I’m a neatnik; I can’t stand clutter of any sort, especially in those spaces where I have to spend some time. So my house is always picked up and everything is where it should go; same for my office at Cary Speech Services, my desks at home and at the office, and especially on the boat. I say, especially on the boat because it’s a smaller space and yet we have so much stuff to store. I have numbered all the little cubby holes, drawers, lockers, etc. and made a master list of where everything is. Even before assigning things to spaces, I collected about a hundred plastic boxes with self-locking lids (different sizes, of course), sorted things into “like with like” (and that isn’t easy when you wind up with different sizes of screws and various boat hardware, some of which you don’t even know the names of), wrote their names/descriptions on the front of the boxes, made a master list on the computer, and then printed this out and put it in a notebook form in the pilot station (just in case the computer is down). I even enjoy the physical act of neatly sorting and assigning! It kind of Zen for me!

Now Bryce, on the other hand, is not a very neat person. He will often put things down wherever it is convenient at the time. I don’t think he intentionally means to mess up my orderly system and sometimes I just ignore where he leaves things, hoping that he will eventually get around to straightening things up. In fact, I have often hoped that natural consequences would help him to clean up his act. That is, when he can’t find something and it isn’t where the book/computer says it should be, you would think that he would learn a lesson and put things back where he got them. But no, this rarely happens. I especially let his tool storage area on the boat get very, very messy and disorganized. After months of stuff being fitted in this small space in a haphazard way, the door can barely be closed. But what does Bryce do when he can’t put his finger on a certain length screw? Why, instead of looking under all the mess for the box of screws that I have so painstakingly sorted, he just goes to the hardware store, buys a bag of five or six, then throws that brown paper bag in the mess and slams the door shut! UGH!

We are in may ways polar opposites of each other. You know the old saying, “Opposites attract”, well, we are pretty much opposite in so many ways. He would eat stuff that is not good and healthy (read: salami, beer, pizza), while I could happily live on salads and fruits. He likes loud country music; I like new age, jazz, and classical. His idea of a relaxing Saturday night is a sci fi or blood and guts flick; I prefer a romance or a comedy. I get scared easily; its pretty hard to scare him. I love working and playing with kids; he doesn’t know how to interact with people under the age of 16. He has the patience to learn how to do techie stuff like make a website or move pictures from the camera to the computer; I would get mad and lose interest at the first snag. I love everything nautical; Bryce has gotten into this lifestyle because of me.

Yes, differences can be good and bad. We can compliment each other and we can drive each other insane. It seems that over the years we have learned to accept the differences and at times we have even celebrated them. Vive la difference!           Helen  (12/27/09)

Where to start? Perhaps the answer is right now. I’m sitting in our pilothouse of our boat, listening to some Bill Leslie music from Pandora on my earphones and appreciating our little twinkling Christmas tree in the downstairs salon that I’ll have to take down in a few hours. I woke Helen up once again with my usual 5 O’Clock restlessness. There are two things going through my head. One is that I feel somewhat apprehensive about tomorrow when I have to tell a patient that I think he’s probably lying to me (and to his wife as well). I’m fond of him and it might end the relationship. I don’t look forward to that. But the other thing on my mind is Helen’s brilliant idea of blogging our relationship. She popped it on me two nights ago when we were driving down to the boat in Oriental, NC. I thought what a cool idea! It will give our adventure multiple dimensions. Love odysseys for our couples on the boat but also our own love odyssey while we do this venture together.

Let me get something out in the open so I don’t have to have it gnawing at the back of my mind as a piece of unfinished business. At some point I have to share the essence of my experience in our marriage. It’s not that I love Helen or that I’m “in-love” with her (although I’ve confessed to having grown “in-love”-like passions for her). It’s that I’m in AWE of her! I know that’s a strong word but it’s the word that fits best. And it might not be just about her but also about what I’m able to perceive about her. I see how she’s bold and creative in most of what she does even from our first five minutes when she told me that I really turned her off. I have no doubt that she’ll be revealing many of my peccadillos in this blog, perhaps even some of my major screw-ups. But I think it will be a challenge for us to both grow stronger in the truth-telling. And that’s probably what excited me the most this morning and got me up: The spiritual challenge of this odyssey.

This morning we’re going to go over to The Bean. You’ll probably be hearing a lot about The Bean in this blog. That’s a cozy little coffee house that overlooks the inner harbor of Oriental. Many of our friends gather there to reconnect and swap the latest. Oriental has a population of around 800 so news circulates fast. I also want to get some pictures of us to mount on our blog. Perhaps when you read this the picture will already be there. Bryce (12/27/2009)

The idea came to me as I was driving once again down to the coast where we keep our boat. We have done this nearly every Friday night for close to 25 years. I drive on auto-pilot while my head plays with ideas to keep me from being bored. Boredom is never tolerated for very long–I will search around in my own databank of ideas planted in my brain over sixty some years searching for something novel to manipulate. Four months ago I came up with the idea of grafting our two passions- sailing and helping people- into the concept of the Love Odyssey Cruise. Now as I drove our Suburban through the pouring rain on Christmas evening the idea of a blog about our own personal Love Odyssey came to me in a flash and I knew we must do this if we wanted to be totally honest about helping other couples with their relationship issues.

But first I need to back up and explain that I am married to a “shrink”, a clinical psychologist who has been counseling couples for over twenty-some years and who recently wrote and published a first aid kit for marital problems. So you are thinking, “They must have the perfect marriage; no conflict; never argue, etc. etc.” Right? Wrong!! We have been married twenty-eight years–second marriages for both of us–and have suffered many of the same hurts, disappointments, and daily annoyances that you have. What makes us different than other couples seeking marital help? Well, maybe we can discover that together in this blog. We will be posting our thoughts, triumphs, conflicts, etc. here in this blog. Some days you will get a post from both of us individually, other days only one of us may write, but over the next year you will get a good picture of the inner workings of us as a couple. We have already agreed on some rules–we cannot edit each others posts– and no cheating–no looking over the shoulder of the other person while they are writing.

Now let me explain about the Love Odyssey Cruises. There are basically two types of odysseys: The first is a fun cruise for couples in love. We will be taking individual couples to quaint towns along the inner/outer banks of North Carolina where they can stay in bed-and-breakfasts, eat in local restaurants, shop, and enjoy the wind and water as we sail from place to place. The second type of cruise is called Safe Passage; this one is for couples who are having some relationship issues and are committed to working hard to overcome these problems. Bryce will be offering daily marital coaching- up to four hours a day- while the boat takes them from place to place. We will be using analogies and strategies that may relate to sailing to help them safely naviagate the marital shoals. Of course we will never use in our blogs any information that could be used to identify the clients. But we will encourage each couple to write in the blog each day about their odyssey and we will also be posting about how we felt or how their issues affected us.

We are hoping to begin taking couples on these cruises beginning in May. So for the next four months we will be coming down to the coast every weekend to ready the boat for our big adventure. We have lists and lists of things that we must do before we can take on the clients. Things like purchase lots more safety equipment; repair things that we have put off for the past several years, such as canvas covers over all the teak trim on the exterior of the boat; sand and re-varnish worn woodwork; stain the teak decks; polish chrome; replace batteries in strobe lights; haul out and paint the bottom and wax the hull; etc. and I could keep going on but I won’t bore you. Even when we are home (about three hours in-land) we spend a good portion of our time focused on the boat. We have built the website in our so-called spare time, both here on the boat and at home, between all the other things that pull at us during the course of a normal work week.

And you ask, “So, what do you do, Helen, when you are not at the coast on your boat?” Well, I am a pediatric speech language pathologist and I work in my own practice four mornings a week. I also supervise a staff of four other therapists and two secretaries. I am like most women out there, constantly juggling home, husband, work, children–and trying to eek out some me-time along the way. I usually do a fairly good job as long as life doesn’t throw me too many curved balls at once. So just like you I sometimes get way too over-commited and stressed out–and that can result in my own major melt-down with Bryce over something pretty petty. Yes, we are not immune to having those squabbles and we will try to be brutally honest here and let you follow along our personal relationship odyssey. Well, enough of my rambling for today–there are things that need to be done, not the least of which is reading a few more chapters in Nicholas Sparks “The Lucky One” (which I purchased in August and never got around to reading).         Helen (12/26/09)