Love Odyssey

This weekend we had our first 3-day Love Odyssey cruise and it could not have been any more spectacular. The weather gods smiled upon us and gave us sunny skies, perfect sailing winds, and very little humidity. We left Oriental on Friday morning around eight a.m. We motored through the Intracoastal Waterway, which we call “the ditch” because it is so narrow. Lovely homes line much of this waterway, with gently rolling lawns ending at the water where boats of various sizes are docked.

Around eleven o’clock we put up sails and proceded out of the Beaufort inlet. The ocean was so clear and blue. We had only been sailing a few minutes when our odyssey couple noticed motion in the water. Sure enough there were several dolphins cavorting in our bow wave. Then a few minutes later we noticed a large dark shadow off to the distance and a whale breached the surface! He seemed to be accompanied by more dolphins. What fun for all of us as we rapidly snapped photos and tried to guess where the whale would surface next.

We entered the Cape Lookout bight about 12:30 and anchored in some of the prettiest water–we could see fish swimming around the boat. Too bad that we forgot our fishing poles!

After a quick lunch on board we lowered our dinghy and motored to the lighthouse. The ride was a bit wet and splashy, but it felt good in the warm sunshine. There is a small museum in the lighthouse keeper’s house that is run by the national park service. After a walk across the dunes to the ocean, we returned to our dinghy and traveled to the far corner of the bight where we disembarked and walked to the old abandoned Coast Guard Station. We kept a sharp eye out for nutra, which are like large guinae pigs that were imported here from South America during the Second World War to help keep down the vegetation; no luck spotting them on this visit, but we have seen them in the past.

 Saturday morning we sailed back to Beaufort. We did spy a few dolphins near the boat, but alas, our whale was no where in sight! After anchoring in Taylor’s Creek along the Beaufort waterfront, we dinghied to shore and strolled along the waterfront where wooden boats of all descriptions were lined up. This was the weekend of the Wooden Boat Show. A large tent was erected in one area and at least twenty teams were vying for recognition in a boat building and rowing contest. We also enjoyed the Maritime Museum up the street where watercraft of all sorts were displayed, including artifacts from the pirate Blackbeard’s Queen Anne’s Revenge.

Sunday morning we re-traced our route back to Oriental under a bit hotter and windier conditions, but still very pleasant. A few dophins frolicked around our boat on the way.  We know our first Love Odyssey couple had a wonderful time on the water.

 Helen- 05/02/10

Yes, I have a bad case of sailing fever. We have not had the boat out of our dock since New Years Day. I tend to get antsy much more than Bryce. He is content to spend time each weekend on the boat fixing stuff, adding new equipment and generally just hanging around and breathing in her ambience. But unlike Bryce I like to get her out on the water and put her through her paces–get sails up, engine going, watch her track on the GPS and feel the breezes in my face.

So this weekend it actually looks like we are going to take the boat out of the dock. I am really not too picky about where we will go. I do enjoy driving her through the Pamlico Sound to Ocracoke Island, which takes about five and a half hours if we are not bucking a head-wind. The island is so serene in March; no tourists; little ferry traffic on the one main street through town; just the sound of shore birds squawking over-head; the purr of a few boat engines as the local fishermen come back with their fresh catches of the day. The beaches are deserted and there are plenty of nice shells to collect. Few shops are open, just the grocery/hardware store and a couple of restaurants that the locals frequent. You can walk in the road and not worry about being mowed down by bicycles, trucks, cars, etc. with beeping horns to add to the caccaphony. Yes, I do love visiting this island in the off-season.

But then there is New Bern. I have always enjoyed this lovely river town in every season of the year. This is an easy sail up-river from Oriental. It is very protected water so we never see the waves like the Pamlico Sound can get when the wind is really whipping. It is a nice, easy “reach” up river. We turn on the outside speakers and play Jimmy Buffet tunes as we glide along at 5 knots soaking in the warm sunshine. The town comes into view about an hour before we arrive at the high-rise bridge that spans the river. We usually tie up at the Sheraton/Skysail Marina which makes traveling by foot around town very feasible. The marina has floating docks, wifi, lovely bathroom facilities for boaters, and a nice pool when the weather is warm. But we like the marina because it is only a block away from the down-town area. Bryce and I have our routines here. After we dock the boat we like to inquire about what is happening that day/evening in town. One year we arrived while there was a clown convention in town–yes, I said CLOWN. There were clowns everywhere and that evening we were treated to a show under the big top, each clown competing to be recognized for the funniest! Another year we happened upon an antique car show- there were over a hundred antique cars in the Sheraton’s parking lot and the owners were anxious to tell you all about each one. After we find out what is happening (and in the spring there is a wonderful azelea festival- I just don’t know the exact dates) we walk to our favorite coffee shop and get a large brew. Then we walk around town and try to decide which restaurant we should visit for lunch; there are several nice ones that we have tried and sometimes it is hard to make a decision. After lunch we usually go to the best hardware store in the state–I’m not joking–I love this place because it has so much more than just nails, hammers, and saws. They have a wonderful gardening section with quite a selection of goodies for the home gardener (I try, but I have a brown thumb!). They also have lots of pots, spoons, funnels, etc. for the “would-be chef” (yes, that’s me!). I also like to peek into the toy store (after all, I am a pediatric SLP and “big kid” at heart). Then it is on to the out-doors store that has stuff for those of us who like to camp, hike, ride horses, etc. And we hate to miss the neat boating store, the wine and cheese shop, the bakery, etc. So we certainly can make an afternoon of poking around town.

Then of course there is Beaufort. This is another easy motor-sail across the river and then up Adam’s Creek through the ICW (which becomes a narrow “ditch” after about an hour. So the sails come down and we motor along. It’s fun to look at the lovely houses backing onto this waterway. About three hours after leaving our dock we enter a bay and follow the markers under the Morehead City Bridge and around Radio Island and into Taylor’s Creek. The little seaside town of Beaufort is on our left and a couple of barrier islands on our right. Now we have to make a decision. Do we want to anchor in the creek along with about fifty to a hundred other boats or should be take a town dock that cozies up to the main street and all the action. Ah, decisions, decisions! In the summer-time it can get quite noisy on the docks, especially since several of the waterfront restaurants have live music every evening and folks just stand around on the boardwalk and participate. So summertime we often choose to put down a “hook” in the creek and take our chances with our neighbors. This time of year I would probably vote for a dock, just for the convenience of coming and going without having to put the dinghy into service.

So yes, I am very excited about leaving the dock this weekend–any of these choices could make me very happy. I’ll let you know in my next blog about what we chose to do. In the meantime, just keep thinking “sunny skies and moderate breezes” (no ’small craft advisories’ or ‘gale force winds’). Helen (03/16/2010)

I’m sitting here in the pilothouse of our boat on a Saturday morning, mug of hot chocolate by my side, dog snuggled up in her bed, and good smells wafting up from the crockpot in the galley.  Last night it snowed about four inches and I can see it drifted on the deck and siderails.  All is still on the dock-just a few footprints of where Bryce got off the boat earlier to take our Yorkie for her morning potty-walk.  I am enjoying the peacefulness of this morning.  Usually we are frantically doing jobs on a Saturday morning–installing new safety equipment, cleaning decks, polishing stainless steel, etc., but today the weather conditions have made it impossible to do any outside work.  Yes, we have lots of things that need doing inside too, but I think this morning I’m going to take a break.  Bryce cleaned off the car and went to the West Marine (boater’s toy store) to collect all the things we ordered last weekend.  So I am sitting here alone and at peace.

Last night was a crazy wild ride to get here before the predicted snow storm arrived.  We knew for at least 24 hours that it was coming.  Now most folks would have just made the logical decision to stay home, since roads in NC can become pretty bad rather quickly when the white stuff arrives (we don’t have the road-clearing equipment that other states farther north use).  But not us!  No, we have this obsession with our boat.  We really get antsy when we have to spend many days away from her.  So we decided to go anyway, given about a three hour window of time before the forecasters said the storm would arrive.  About ten minutes outside of Oriental, the windshield picked up a few flakes and by the time we got here it was snowing big wet flakes.  This morning everything was covered with this soft, thick blanket of snow.  Yes, a perfect day to get cozy in the cabin, hunker down, and make a big pot of slowly simmering lamb shanks in an orange anise gravy.  Perhaps I’ll sit here a bit longer and watch the snow, then curl up with a good book and even take an afternoon nap.  Life is very good!

Helen– 02/13/2010

Date nights- we used to have to plan these when our children were younger.  Sometimes we planned them weeks in advance when things got really hectic.  Then we would both anticipate what we would say and do when the evening came.  Sometimes by then we might be too tired to stay out late, even if we had a babysitter, but at least we would try to make the most of those precious hours together—filling each other in our most pressing concerns, triumphs, and future plans or desires.  We learned early on that if we didn’t get these times to re-connect, our everyday irritations would soon boil over into major conflicts with much gnashing of teeth and snarling at each other.

Now that we are empty-nesters we don’t schedule date nights anymore.  But that is not to say that we do not need them anymore.  On the contrary, we still can bottle up resentments if we don’t re-connect on a regular basis.  It is just the nature of our date nights that has changed.  It used to be that we would go out to dinner, see a show and then maybe have a drink before driving home, dismissing the babysitter, and then sneaking up to our bedroom for some romance.  Now most of that is gone.  We often have re-connection time driving down here to the coast, like last evening.  For three hours Bryce drove while I sat and kept him company, discussing everything from therapy ideas, boat projects, money issues, healthcare reform, and yes-even the meaning of life!

Now I don’t want you to think that we don’t go out to dinner together anymore.  It’s just that we don’t have to orchestrate it weeks in advance.  We can be much more spontaneous.  And that is always good.  But if we don’t have our date nights, be they spontaneous like last evening, or planned, like in the early years, the consequence is still the same.  Yes, date nights are very, very important for us as a couple.   Helen (1/22/2009)

Helen thinks I’m obsessive and I know that’s true.  Lately I’ve been obsessing about anchors and storms.  What’s the best way to face one of those demon storms that severely punish many boaters who are naively confident from their history of Sunday afternoon sailboat regattas.  Two months ago I met a man in the local coffee shop where many of us sailor types like to hang out.  His leg was in a caste and he told me an interesting story about how his anchor snubber line had chafed through one night during a wild Northeaster storm.  This allowed the chain to pull tight with tremendous force and even yanked the windlass completely off the boat.  In all the turmoil, his foot got caught in the anchor chain and was nearly amputated. 

That sailor’s story reminded me of my 1988 fight with another Northeaster storm in which we nearly died. In fact we were anchored in the same location as the unfortunate sailor who nearly lost his foot.  During my brawl with my own demon storm, our jib unraveled in near hurricane winds and cinched up like a small spinnaker that put us under sail.  Our Bruce anchor plowed through the bottom muck instead of holding us fast.  We could see we were dragging towards shoals and the only things that saved us was when I crawled up to the nose and pushed off a second anchor that eventually set.  I learned alot that night:  how to secure a jib for a storm and to not use a Bruce anchor when I need strong holding power on a silt bottom.  I also learned something very empowering about myself that I previously didn’t know.  I hadn’t known that I would have the where-with-all to face probable death and still self-reflect.  That’s what happened.  When the worst part of the storm hit, our jib blew out and started catching the wind with a humongous crashing sound.  It felt like a monstrous giant was pounding the boat to pieces.  As I ran up the stairs to the top deck and caught a face full of hail, Helen yelled out “I’m scared!”  I yelled back ”I am too!”  The sea conditions and the uncontrolled sail looked like Hell unleashed.  It was apparent that the sail could literally decapitate me if I made a mistake.  As I stood there thinking we were all going to die within 10 minutes, I also thought it was ironic that I had expressed my fear to my wife.  I had expressed my feelings.  What a new-age man!  Big whoop-deep-do!  I thought it was darkly humorous that I would self-reflect on my own authenticity during the last moments of my life.  But as fate would have it, my second anchor did the trick and death was postponed for a probable 40+ more years.  Which brings me to my main point.  I’m going to give myself permission to get obsessive about my new anchoring SYSTEM. 

I’ve been visualizing, planning, obsessing, researching and now purchasing the meanest, nastiest bad-ass anchoring system I can fit on my boat:  a 75 pound pivot arm Super-max anchor with 2 humongous 3-strand snubber lines, chafing gear and all stainless steel thimbles, hooks and shackles.  I’m imagining that next demon storm and I feel like shouting  “Come on!  Bring it on!  I’m ready for you!”  Sometimes I think my obsessing helps me to prepare and feel safe.  It’s rather like having a big protective brother.          Bryce (1/22/2009)

I’m feeling  “boat-sick” this week.  Not sick of my boat–oh no, not by any means!  No- I’m home-sick for my boat!  You need to understand that we usually travel to our boat about every 4 or 5 days, usually on a Thursday or Friday evening and spend the entire weekend, leaving late on a Sunday.  We do this year-round irrespective of weather.  But once in a while life conspires such that we have to stay home.  That’s what happened last weekend.  It was our son’s 38th birthday and I have always made a family party, complete with barbequed ribs and homemade chocolate cake. 

Now I do love my boat, but my love for my son is even stronger.  After all, it doesn’t seem that long ago that he was a toddler, then a teenager, and now a grown man with a son of his own.  And this grandma thoroughly enjoys her grandson.  So it was a marvelous weekend with lots of quality family connection.  But come Monday morning I felt a wee bit of envy for those folks who got to spend the weekend on their boat, and each successive day this week, that longing just got greater and greater–and now I have a full-blown case of boat-sickness.  The only cure is to leave tomorrow evening as soon as Bryce finishes seeing his patients and travel as fast as the highway patrol will allow (more or less) until we finally get to board our boat and once again be “home”.         

   Helen (01/14/2009)

We needed to set up a checking account-that was a fact. We wouldn’t be able to purchase all the items on our to-do list for Love Odyssey charters until we had a dedicated account and also a credit card. So yesterday Bryce and I marched off to the bank with the assumption that this would take only a few minutes. After all, he had two business accounts at this bank and I had one; we both had business credit cards and a very good credit history.

Well, the lady at the bank made us feel like we were asking for the keys to the state treasury. How much money do we each make annually? How much do we anticipate making the first year of business? Why are we starting this business? on-and-on-and-on….

Then let’s get to the type of business account. The simpliest small business checking account will be free if we use our debit card each month but cost us $13/month if we dare to forget to use it. Now I know everyone in the civilized world uses a debit card, but I’m an old-fashioned girl and I like the physical act of writing out a check (gives me time to decide whether I really need to spend the money). It seems to me that I am being punished if I want to write only checks–at the tune of $13 a month or $156 a year (hey, that’s not chicken feed!).

Now I also want a credit card for Love Odyssey charters. Well, the lady yesterday could not even delve into that. No, that was saved for another more experienced bank torturer who called me today to waste another hour of my time. We went over the same questions that yesterday’s lady asked and I had to give the same information. Interesting! After I went over all this he said he had all my answers on his computer from yesterday. Maybe the bank really trains police and detectives–make sure your answers don’t change. Anyway, after an eternity of questioning and a good ten minutes on hold while he talked to his supervisor, I was told that he would decrease the credit card limit on my other business and also on my personal credit card so he could grant me another new card for Love Odyssey. Oh, how generous! What a nice way of thanking me for doing business with his bank for twenty years and have a sterling credit history!            Helen  (01/05/10)

I’m feeling really old and frustrated today. Bryce and I have been spending time today trying to figure out Twitter. Once we got an account, we tried to figure out how to send tweets on our phones. Well, I guess our phones are just too old like us to send tweets–can’t access the net. Oh dear, do we just buy new phones (only a few months old) or do we stay tied to our computers? I guess we’ll need to make that decision soon.

I feel really challenged by technology. Bryce is so much better than me about learning how to do stuff–then he usually shows me (or asks me to read the tutorial and learn myself). I felt pretty good for a few weeks when I taught myself how to text message. My 22-year old daughter couldn’t believe that I was actually able to send texts! Now she sends me texts several times a week–messages that I might not have received had I not learned how to speak her language, like “I love you, mom”. Priceless! So maybe it is worth all the grief of learning how to keep up with technology. Helen 01/02/2010

It’s a little scary to be out in the open river with blips on the radar but no way to really identify what those blips are. It is even scarier to know that there are marker bouys somewhere in the next 1/4 of a mile and you cannot see them until you are practically on top of them. Deviate even a quarter of a mile and you could be hitting a dock or shoals; even scarier, you could be trying to go under a bridge span that is not high enough to accomodate your 63-foot mast (most bridges have a clearance of 65 feet!). Yes, there were times the adreneline really flowed.

But somehow with the help of modern technology, experience, and sheer guts we made New Bern in four hours–not bad, considering it usually takes us three hours in perfect weather. So here we are, sitting in the pilothouse, warmed by the central heat and perfumed by the meatloaf baking in the oven. We are indeed lucky to be able to lead this lifestyle.

As I write this, I hear some loud “booms” and look out the companionway (back door) to the sight of fireworks over the harbor. It really doesn’t get much better than this. Yes, life is good! Have a Happy New Year!         Helen (12/31/2009)

Today, I have something reverberating in my skull from a couple I saw. It was a couple who almost never have conflict, who are always nice to each other, treat each other with respect and never rock the boat by saying anything that might reveal too much or get too deep. Why? What’s really going on? Many people would say that they just need to learn how to open up and be willing to be vulnerable with each other. A lot of shrinks will make good money by just meeting their expectations: by training them in “good communication techniques” or good “repair techniques.” I despair that this is what’s most often offered by us so-called professionals.

This is what I suggested to them and I’ll try to simplify for brevity.

1) They’re not communicating intimately because they’re too vulnerable. The virtue is to get less vulnerable so that they can risk exposing more.

2) When they self-edit and refrain from sharing an intimate awareness, their unconscious is actually anticipating what their partner’s emotional reaction might be in the worst case scenario. They’re usually anticipating that their partner will show angry disapproval or hurt feelings. That’s not the end of it though.

3) They’re also anticipating that once they see their partner’s reaction, that they won’t be able to prevent their own shame/guilt emotional shutdown response that will feel horrific. They don’t really feel confident in being able to boundary off from their partner’s mind.

4) Because they anticipate far in advance that they might wind up awash in shame or guilt, and they don’t feel confident that they can stop their reaction, they wind up avoiding even the consideration of sharing their thoughts on a deeper level.

What’s important is to realize that this is all taken care of by the unconscious. The choice to share intimate thoughts and feelings just never seems to come up to the surface. Isn’t that interesting? I also find it interesting that shrink types just never want to really think this through. That’s too bad because if they did there would be a lot more effective therapy helping people out with these kinds of problems. Instead we just see this garbage about how people need to be taught how to communicate better!

So anyway I tried a new homework exercise assignment with this couple. It’s too detailed to give here but it’s similar to a longer therapy I developed that works quite well in the ofiice. If it works, it will be very useful for many couples. If it doesn’t, I’ll go back to the drawing boards.

Here’s a real paradox. The world tells us how we should always try to empathize and be sensitive to each other’s minds. But I think that automatically and compulsively being empathic all the time is a prescription for communication breakdown. If you don’t have a way of defending yourself from painful feelings then you’ll just distance in any relationship by avoiding deeper communication. At least that’s what your unconscious will do for you. Try this paradox: Being confident in your ability to mentally build your separate frame of meaning can actually give you the confidence to risk closeness. So dynamic separateness is necessary for emotional togetherness! Weird, huh?

So this is what goes through my mind. I feel quite alone because I can’t get most clinical colleagues to think this through. However, I’ve been very gratified by some of these ideas being appreciated by some research types in the scientific community (ie. Reversal Theory folks). It feels like I’m exploring a strange land where there are no other human footprints. It’s exciting and that’s why I lose sleep. It’s also why my wife Helen finds me zoning out sometimes. “Earth to Bryce…Earth to Bryce….” she calls. At least she’s not bored when I do answer.           Bryce (12/30/2009)