Helen – 08/08/10

 Helen   05/09/10

My strong feelings show how much I made this little animal my child.  It’s apparent to me that my emotions are rooted in some pretty powerful dynamics:  Helen and I struggled in vain to have our own biological child many years ago.  Our two children (both adopted by me) are now grown.  I think I have relished Helen’s nurturing of “our baby boy” and I think little Danny was a surrogate for some powerful needs we both still feel.  I know that rubbing Danny’s bare belly, feeling him snuggle into me at night and feeling his muzzle on my neck all somehow nurtured my own small self parts that resonated to his joy.  It’s interesting how we make our own virtual worlds of meaning.  This little animal was smaller than a Thanksgiving turkey yet I projected so much meaning into him by nuturing and protecting him.  His death devastated me.

It’s four days later and the pain has declined significantly.  I remind myself about what he was and what he wasn’t.  He was my cute little affectionate dog but I made him my child.  He really wasn’t a child but I made him into one in my mind.  

I find myself wanting even more physical contact with Helen as my need for touch and warmth redirects.  Helen and I share our memories, our sadness.  Someday we’ll get a new puppy but not now.  We don’t want to deny the loss and leave splinters of dissociated pain in our minds.  We’re both coming more into the present.  The empty hole in the chest and the lump in the throat have gone away.  Life continues.    Bryce (1/31/2010)

Now that we are empty-nesters we don’t schedule date nights anymore.  But that is not to say that we do not need them anymore.  On the contrary, we still can bottle up resentments if we don’t re-connect on a regular basis.  It is just the nature of our date nights that has changed.  It used to be that we would go out to dinner, see a show and then maybe have a drink before driving home, dismissing the babysitter, and then sneaking up to our bedroom for some romance.  Now most of that is gone.  We often have re-connection time driving down here to the coast, like last evening.  For three hours Bryce drove while I sat and kept him company, discussing everything from therapy ideas, boat projects, money issues, healthcare reform, and yes-even the meaning of life!

Now I don’t want you to think that we don’t go out to dinner together anymore.  It’s just that we don’t have to orchestrate it weeks in advance.  We can be much more spontaneous.  And that is always good.  But if we don’t have our date nights, be they spontaneous like last evening, or planned, like in the early years, the consequence is still the same.  Yes, date nights are very, very important for us as a couple.   Helen (1/22/2009)

Now I do love my boat, but my love for my son is even stronger.  After all, it doesn’t seem that long ago that he was a toddler, then a teenager, and now a grown man with a son of his own.  And this grandma thoroughly enjoys her grandson.  So it was a marvelous weekend with lots of quality family connection.  But come Monday morning I felt a wee bit of envy for those folks who got to spend the weekend on their boat, and each successive day this week, that longing just got greater and greater–and now I have a full-blown case of boat-sickness.  The only cure is to leave tomorrow evening as soon as Bryce finishes seeing his patients and travel as fast as the highway patrol will allow (more or less) until we finally get to board our boat and once again be “home”.         

   Helen (01/14/2009)

Now Bryce, on the other hand, is not a very neat person. He will often put things down wherever it is convenient at the time. I don’t think he intentionally means to mess up my orderly system and sometimes I just ignore where he leaves things, hoping that he will eventually get around to straightening things up. In fact, I have often hoped that natural consequences would help him to clean up his act. That is, when he can’t find something and it isn’t where the book/computer says it should be, you would think that he would learn a lesson and put things back where he got them. But no, this rarely happens. I especially let his tool storage area on the boat get very, very messy and disorganized. After months of stuff being fitted in this small space in a haphazard way, the door can barely be closed. But what does Bryce do when he can’t put his finger on a certain length screw? Why, instead of looking under all the mess for the box of screws that I have so painstakingly sorted, he just goes to the hardware store, buys a bag of five or six, then throws that brown paper bag in the mess and slams the door shut! UGH!

We are in may ways polar opposites of each other. You know the old saying, “Opposites attract”, well, we are pretty much opposite in so many ways. He would eat stuff that is not good and healthy (read: salami, beer, pizza), while I could happily live on salads and fruits. He likes loud country music; I like new age, jazz, and classical. His idea of a relaxing Saturday night is a sci fi or blood and guts flick; I prefer a romance or a comedy. I get scared easily; its pretty hard to scare him. I love working and playing with kids; he doesn’t know how to interact with people under the age of 16. He has the patience to learn how to do techie stuff like make a website or move pictures from the camera to the computer; I would get mad and lose interest at the first snag. I love everything nautical; Bryce has gotten into this lifestyle because of me.

Yes, differences can be good and bad. We can compliment each other and we can drive each other insane. It seems that over the years we have learned to accept the differences and at times we have even celebrated them. Vive la difference!           Helen  (12/27/09)